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Discuss Joke Time at the Non Wrestling Talk within the Wrestling Talk Forums; A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, ...
  1. #1
    Olympic Champ ISU2008's Avatar
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    Default Joke Time

    A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

    The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

    But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

    Again the man ignores the voice, but he’s becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.

    The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah’s."

    He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

    The man does as he is told.

    When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

    Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17.

    "Now watch," says the voice.

    The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

    Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.

    The voice says, "F***."
    You do the math..... I'll do the alfredo!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Joke Time

    Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

    The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!" The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!" The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"

    They were still arguing when the train hit them.
    You do the math..... I'll do the alfredo!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Joke Time

    Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

    At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

    After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

    "It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"
    You do the math..... I'll do the alfredo!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Joke Time

    Thanks, we needed that. Here's another:

    A guy has been drinking all night at a bar and finally pukes on his shirt. He tells the bartender, "Now my wife will know I was out drinking and I'll be in big trouble."

    The bartender offers this plan: "Put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket and tell your wife that you were having dinner and a drunk came over and puked on you. To make up for it, he gave you $10 to have your shirt cleaned."

    The guy thinks this is a great plan, so he goes home and tells his wife the story, but he accidentally puts a $20 bill in his pocket. When the wife asks, "So how come the drunk gave you $20?" the guy answers, "He crapped in my pants, too."
    Atrophy: what you get when you win atournament.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Joke Time

    George Carlin (some of it sounds like Steven Wright but still funny)......


    Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

    How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

    Is it true that cannibals don?t eat clowns because they taste funny?

    What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    One nice thing about egotists: they don?t talk about other people.

    Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

    Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    How is it possible to have a civil war?

    If God dropped acid, would he see people?

    If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

    If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

    If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    Whose cruel idea was it for the word ?Lisp? to have a ?S? in it?

    Why are hemorrhoids called ?hemorrhoids? instead of ?assteroids??

    Why is it called tourist season if we can?t shoot at them?

    Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

    Where are we going? And what?s with this hand basket?

    If the ?black box? flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn?t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?

    Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

    I?m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

    I?m in shape. Round is a shape.

    I?m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

    Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

    I?ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

    Ever notice when you blow in a dog?s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

    Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

    You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She?s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

    I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

    One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
    I am 49, bald, ugly, and don't own a single cool thing. Kids like me though.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Joke Time

    Mary asks her husband, John, if he'd like some breakfast: "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?"

    He declines: "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

    At lunchtime, Mary asks if he would like something: "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

    He declines: "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

    Come dinnertime, she again asks John if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

    John declines: "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

    Exasperated, Mary gives him an elbow and says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Joke Time

    Honesty is its own reward...

    A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35."

    He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

    Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

    Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

    The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Joke Time

    Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car
    accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

    After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that
    she is no longer pregnant.

    Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

    The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy
    and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came
    in and named them."

    The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba;
    he's an idiot!"

    Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well,
    what's the girl's name?"

    "Denise," the doctor answers.

    The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful
    name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I
    really like the name Denise."

    "What's the boy's name?"

    The doctor replies, "Denephew."

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Joke Time

    Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"

    "Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

    "And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

    "Sure is, Bubba."

    "And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

    "Yep."

    "And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

    "That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

    "Well, I was jus thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

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