Re: Joke Time
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It's 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Re: Joke Time
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations he or she keeps cranking out.
Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.
Will stick with us until retirement.
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.
A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST:
NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.
Usually does it the hard way.
Needs more to do.
Paid too much.
Does too much busywork.
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR:
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.
Re: Joke Time
How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care
LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?
LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money
LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything
LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?
LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts
LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's
LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a rip
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV
LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent
LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake
LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them
LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows
LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music
LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought
LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score
Re: Joke Time
For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.
Here it is below:
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.
Re: Joke Time
This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2008, by_______________________, between ____________and______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The
answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from
out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.
8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the hell home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's
17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.
19. No condoms, no sex. Carry your ass home.
20. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.
21. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.
* EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS:
The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically
become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.
Re: Joke Time
(This one's for Spider)
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
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