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Thread: Joke Time

  1. #10
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    Default Re: Joke Time

    Bubba and his brand new wife went to a hotel for their wedding night.

    He went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said it was their honeymoon and they wanted a very nice room.

    The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?"

    Bubba thought about it for a while and then replied, "No, I guess not, I'll just hold on to her ears till she gets used to it."

  2. #11
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    Default Re: Joke Time

    Ole Bubba got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture Bubba about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make Bubba feel uncomfortable.

    Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

    Bubba said, "Having some problem with them Circle Flies there, are ya?"

    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle Flies."

    So Bubba says, "Well, Circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called Circle Flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

    The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

    Bubba says, "Oh no, Trooper. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

    The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

    After a long pause, Bubba says, "Hard to fool them Flies though."

  3. #12
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    Default Re: Joke Time

    Bubba and Luther were talking one afternoon when Bubba tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

    Luther asks Bubba, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

    Bubba says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

  4. #13
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    Default Re: Joke Time

    Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
    "Don't worry Bubba, " Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
    "What fer?" asked Bubba.
    "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.
    They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
    When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
    "No sir, " said Earl, "We're on the patch."

  5. #14
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    Default Re: Joke Time

    Pregnant????


    Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
    A. No, 35 children is enough.

    Q. When will my baby move?
    A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

    Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
    A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

    Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
    A. Yes, your bladder.

    Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
    A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

    Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
    A. Childbirth.

    Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
    A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

    Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
    A. So what's your question?

    Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
    A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

    Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
    A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

    Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
    A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

    Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
    A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

    Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
    A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

    Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
    A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

    Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
    A. Yes, pregnancy.

    Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
    A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

    Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
    A. In your breasts.

    Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
    A. Yes, baby lips.

    Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
    A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

    Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
    A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

    Q. What are the terrible twos?
    A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

    Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
    A. When you see teeth marks.

    Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
    A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

    Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
    A. When the kids are in college.

  6. #15
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    Default Re: Joke Time

    After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

    The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

    The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

  7. #16

    Default Re: Joke Time

    Quote Originally Posted by tpay View Post
    Pregnant????


    Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
    A. No, 35 children is enough.

    Q. When will my baby move?
    A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

    Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
    A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

    Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
    A. Yes, your bladder.

    Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
    A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

    Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
    A. Childbirth.

    Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
    A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

    Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
    A. So what's your question?

    Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
    A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

    Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
    A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

    Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
    A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

    Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
    A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

    Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
    A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

    Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
    A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

    Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
    A. Yes, pregnancy.

    Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
    A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

    Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
    A. In your breasts.

    Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
    A. Yes, baby lips.

    Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
    A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

    Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
    A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

    Q. What are the terrible twos?
    A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

    Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
    A. When you see teeth marks.

    Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
    A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

    Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
    A. When the kids are in college.
    That should be on the Baby Time thread for quicksingle!
    I will smash your face into a car windshield and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out to a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!

    Tell me about it, this morning, I woke up and I shit a squirrel, but what I can't get is the damn thing is still alive. So now, I've got a shit covered squirrel running around my office and I don't know what to name it.

  8. #17
    Olympic Champ RYou's Avatar
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    Mar 2007
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    New Jersey
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    Default Re: Joke Time

    for someone from Oxnard, those were pretty good.

  9. #18

    Default Re: Joke Time

    Hey, not everyone can live in the Central Ward in Newark!

    R.I.P. Cyrano and Roxanne.

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