Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 9 of 27

Thread: Tuesday Humor

  1. #1

    Default Tuesday Humor

    LEARNING TO CUSS

    A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
    "You know what?" says the 6 year-old.

    "I think it's about time we started cussing."
    The 4 Year-old nods his head in approval.
    The 6 year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm
    gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'
    The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

    When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old
    what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
    "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

    WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
    gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in
    hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his
    room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."

    She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks
    with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

    "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it
    won't be Cheerios."
    RIP Jacob Schlottke; KR1963 and rpayton




  2. #2

    Default Re: Tuesday Humor

    Anger Management
    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

    I found the number and dialed it.
    A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
    I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

    I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

    After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

    When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

    It always cheered me up.

    When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop.

    So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

    He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
    I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.
    One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
    A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

    I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
    He said, 'Yes, it is..'
    I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
    He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .
    It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.'

    I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

    I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
    He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

    I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
    He said, 'Yes?'
    I said, 'Don, you're an asshole !'

    Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

    Then I came up with an idea.
    I called Asshole #1.
    He said, 'Hello.'
    I said, 'You're an asshole!'
    (But I didn't hang up.)

    He asked, 'Are you still there?'
    I said, 'Yeah.'
    He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'
    I said, 'Make me.'
    He asked, 'Who are you?'

    I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
    He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
    I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

    He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
    And you had better start saying your prayers.'
    I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

    Then I called Asshole No. 2.
    He said, 'Hello?'
    I said, 'Hello, asshole .'
    He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
    I said, 'You'll what?'
    He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
    I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
    I'm coming over right now.'
    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fair fax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.
    Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

    I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

    R.I.P. Cyrano and Roxanne.

  3. #3
    Ancient Arachnid Spider's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Connecticut
    Posts
    5,424

    Default Re: Tuesday Humor

    Anyone who would tell a story like that is an asshole. My web name is Spider, but I'm Scott Gallan and I live in Arizona.
    Atrophy: what you get when you win atournament.

  4. #4
    Olympic Champ
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Parker, Az
    Posts
    3,388

    Default Re: Tuesday Humor

    Besides that, it's not tuesday anymore!
    I am 49, bald, ugly, and don't own a single cool thing. Kids like me though.

  5. #5
    Olympic Champ
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    It's a long way from East Colorado
    Posts
    3,740

    Default Re: Tuesday Humor

    Anyone remember that famous actress from the 60's: Tuesday Wednesday?

  6. #6
    Ancient Arachnid Spider's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Connecticut
    Posts
    5,424

    Default Re: Tuesday Humor

    Quote Originally Posted by sgallan View Post
    Besides that, it's not tuesday anymore!
    See, it was really him . . . I mean me.
    Atrophy: what you get when you win atournament.

  7. #7
    Ancient Arachnid Spider's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Connecticut
    Posts
    5,424

    Default Re: Tuesday Humor

    Quote Originally Posted by matclone View Post
    Anyone remember that famous actress from the 60's: Tuesday Wednesday?
    Tuesday



    Wednesday

    Atrophy: what you get when you win atournament.

  8. #8

    Default Re: Tuesday Humor

    UNI Panthers...Because it's just right.

  9. #9
    Olympic Champ ISU2008's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Cedar Rapids
    Posts
    3,305

    Default Re: Tuesday Humor

    Crusoe and Friday

    You do the math..... I'll do the alfredo!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •