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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1
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    Default Jokes

    Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States a famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story.

    During the course of his interview he asked Bill, "What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency".

    Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, "Monica Lewinski! I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision".

    "How could that be, Bill?", asked the surprised biographer.

    Bill smiled and then shook his head, "I'd have to say she was both my best and my worst decision for the same reason."

    "That's odd. What was the reason for that?", said the biographer.

    Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth."

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    Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:


    Indubitably

    Innovative

    Preliminary

    Proliferation

    Cinnamon



    Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:



    Specificity

    "Cogito ergo sum."

    British Constitution

    Passive-aggressive disorder

    loquacious

    transubstantiate



    Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You're Drunk:



    Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

    Nope, no more booze for me!

    Sorry, but you're not really my type.

    Good evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight.

    Oh, I just couldn't-no one wants to hear me sing!

  3. #3
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    A woman was sick and tired of her husband's drinking; so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan and, when her husband returned home drunk again, she leapt up from behind the couch, screaming.

    "You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly. "I married your sister."

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    The Five Levels Of Drinking
    LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. Just as you get up to leave because you have work the next day, one of your friends buys another round. One of your *unemployed* friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, as long as I get seven hours of sleep, I'll be fine."

    LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against the use of artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep...I'm cool."

    LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR the use of artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger...and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood, I'm cool."

    LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well...as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow, I'm cool.

    LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Simon!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell at nine." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO VEGAS, BABY!!!!!" - and passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five - the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say,"Who's Simon?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

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    Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.

    "Well, I'd have to say that it's a old bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

    "Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!"

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    The $100 Tattoo.....

    Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?"
    He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
    A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
    "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
    "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain;"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
    "Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

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    The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood.

    "Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya." Entering the living room, he said, "You shee that piano? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me."

    The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her?

    "Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story.

    "Well, thash me!"

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    A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife is upset with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won $40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife was upset with him again. Asking her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."

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    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

    She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

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