I?ve twice finished reading Without by Donald Hall, a significant of U.S. poet. It is a collection of poetry written to his late wife, Jane Kenyon, an accomplished poet herself. The pages chronicle their love and raw grief as they struggle together with her final battle with leukemia.
?Remembered happiness is agony; so is remembered agony.?
Two abridged excerpts from Without.
by Donald Hall
"It was reasonable
to expect.? So he wrote. The next day,
in a consultation room,
Jane's hematologist Letha Mills sat down,
stiff, her assistant
standing with her back to the door.
"I have terrible news,"
Letha told them. ?The leukemia is back.
There's nothing to do.?
The four of them wept. He asked how long,
why did it happen now?
Jane asked only: ?Can I die at home??
Home that afternoon,
they threw her medicines into the trash.
Jane vomited. He wailed
while she remained dry-eyed ? silent,
trying to let go. At night
he picked up the telephone to make
calls that brought
a child or a friend into the horror.
The next morning,
they worked choosing among her poems
for Otherwise, picked
hymns for her funeral, and supplied each
other words as they wrote
and revised her obituary. The day after,
with more work to do
on her book, he saw how weak she felt,
and said maybe not now; maybe
later. Jane shook her head: ?Now,? she said.
?We have to finish it now.?
Later, as she slid exhausted into sleep,
she said, ?Wasn't that fun?
To work together? Wasn't that fun??
He asked her, ?What clothes
should we dress you in, when we bury you??
?I hadn't thought,? she said.
?I wondered about the white salwar
kameez,? he said ?
her favorite Indian silk they bought
in Pondicherry a year
and a half before, which she wore for best
or prettiest afterward.
She smiled. ?Yes. Excellent,? she said.
He didn't tell her
that a year earlier, dreaming awake,
he had seen her
in the coffin in her white salwar kameez.
Still, he couldn't stop
planning. That night he broke out with,
?When Gus dies I'll
have him cremated and scatter his ashes
on your grave!? She laughed
and her big eyes quickened and she nodded:
?It will be good
for the daffodils.? She lay pallid back
on the flowered pillow:
?Perkins, how do you think of these things??
They talked about their
adventures ? driving through England
when they first married,
and excursions to China and India.
Also they remembered
ordinary days ? pond summers, working
on poems together,
walking the dog, reading Chekhov
aloud. When he praised
thousands of afternoon assignations
that carried them into
bliss and repose on this painted bed,
Jane burst into tears
and cried, ?No more ****ing. No more ****ing!?
Incontinent three nights
before she died, Jane needed lifting
onto the commode.
He wiped her and helped her back into bed.
At five he fed the dog
and returned to find her across the room,
sitting in a straight chair.
When she couldn't stand, how could she walk?
He feared she would fall
and called for an ambulance to the hospital,
but when he told Jane,
her mouth twisted down and tears started.
?Do we have to?? He canceled.
Jane said, ?Perkins, be with me when I die.?
?Dying is simple,? she said.
?What's worst is? the separation.?
When she no longer spoke,
they lay along together, touching,
and she fixed on him
her beautiful enormous round brown eyes,
and passionate with love and dread.
One by one they came,
the oldest and dearest, to say goodbye
to this friend of the heart.
At first she said their names, wept, and touched;
then she smiled; then
turned one mouth-corner up. On the last day
she stared silent goodbyes
with her hands curled and her eye stuck open.
Leaving his place beside her,
where her eyes stared, he told her,
?I'll put these letters
in the box.? She had not spoken
for three hours, and now Jane said
her last words: ?O.K.?
At eight that night,
her eyes open as they stayed
until she died, brain-stem breathing
started, he bent to kiss
her pale cool lips again, and felt them
one last time gather
and purse and peck to kiss him back.
In the last hours, she kept
her forearms raised with pale fingers clenched
at cheek level, like
the goddess figurine over the bathroom sink.
Sometimes her right fist flicked
or spasmed toward her face. For twelve hours
until she died, he kept
scratching Jane Kenyon's big bony nose.
A sharp, almost sweet
smell began to rise from her open mouth.
He watched her chest go still.
With his thumb he closed her round brown eyes.
LETTER WITH NO ADDRESS
by Donald Hall
Your daffodils rose up
and collapsed in their yellow
bodies on the hillside
garden above the bricks
you laid out in sand, squatting
with pants pegged and face
masked like a beekeeper?s
against the black flies.
Buttercups circle the planks
of the old wellhead
this May while your silken
gardener?s body withers or moulds
in the Proctor graveyard.
I drive and talk to you crying
and come back to this house
to talk to your photographs.
At five A.M., when I walk outside,
mist lies thick on hayfields.
By eight the air is clear,
cool, sunny with the pale yellow
light of mid-May. Kearsarge
rises huge and distinct,
each birch and balsam visible.
To the west the waters
of Eagle Pond waver
and flash through popples just
Always the weather,
writing its book of the world,
returns you to me. Ordinary days were best,
when we worked over poems
in our separate rooms.
I remember watching you gaze
out the January window
into the garden of snow
and ice, your face rapt
as you imagined burgundy lilies.
Your presence in this house
is almost as enormous
and painful as your absence.