Next Week?s News
For the Week of Monday, May 7

Monday, May 7: Vice President Cheney will announce that he is seeking an exit strategy from George Tenet?s book.

Tuesday, May 8: Hillary Clinton will propose building a seven-foot fence around her supporters to keep them from defecting to Barack Obama.

Wednesday, May 9: A new study will show that teenagers who watch TV shows with sexual content are more likely to have sex, while teenagers who watch ?CSI? are more likely to solve crimes.

Thursday, May 10: In an historic clash of angry celebrities, Hugh Grant?s baked beans will collide in midair with Naomi Campbell?s cell phone.

Friday, May 11: The Bureau of Labor Statistics will report that the number of unemployed people in the U.S. increased by one, due to the visit of Queen Elizabeth II.

Saturday, May 12: Consumer activist Ralph Nader will announce that he is actively considering screwing up the 2008 presidential election.

Sunday, May 13: After succeeding in his bid to take over Dow Jones, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of The Wall Street Journal by removing the facts.
BY ANDY BOROWITZ