Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: Monday Humor

  1. #1
    NCAA Champ
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Oxnard California
    Posts
    1,129

    Default Monday Humor

    Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question...

    "I'm going fishing."
    Really means...
    "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

    "Let's take your car."
    Really means...
    "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

    "Woman driver."
    Really means...
    "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

    "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
    Really means...
    "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

    "It's a guy thing."
    Really means...
    "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

    "Can I help with dinner?"
    Really means...
    "Why isn't it already on the table?"

    "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
    Really means...
    Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling

    "Good idea."
    Really means...
    "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

    "Have you lost weight?"
    Really means...
    "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

    "My wife doesn't understand me."
    Really means...
    "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

    "It would take too long to explain."
    Really means...
    "I have no idea how it works."

    "I'm getting more exercise lately."
    Really means...
    "The batteries in the remote are dead."

    "I got a lot done."
    Really means...
    "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

    "We're going to be late."
    Really means...
    "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

    "Hey, I've read all the classics."
    Really means...
    "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

    "You cook just like my mother used to."
    Really means...
    "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

    "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
    Really means...
    "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

    "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
    Really means...
    "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

    "That's interesting, dear."
    Really means...
    "Are you still talking?"

    "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
    Really means...
    "I forgot our anniversary again."

    "You expect too much of me."
    Really means...
    "You want me to stay awake."

    "It's a really good movie."
    Really means...
    "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

    "That's women's work."
    Really means...
    "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

    "Will you marry me?"
    Really means...
    "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

    "Go ask your mother."
    Really means...
    "I am incapable of making a decision."

    "You know how bad my memory is."
    Really means...
    "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

    "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
    Really means...
    "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

    "Football is a man's game."
    Really means...
    "Women are generally too smart to play it."

    "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
    Really means...
    "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

    "I do help around the house."
    Really means...
    "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

    "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
    Really means...
    "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

    "I can't find it."
    Really means...
    "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

    "What did I do this time?"
    Really means...
    "What did you catch me at?"

    "What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
    Really means...
    "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

    "She's one of those rabid feminists."
    Really means...
    "She refused to make my coffee."

    "But I hate to go shopping."
    Really means...
    "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

    "No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
    Really means...
    "You may actually get it to start."

    "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
    Really means...
    "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."

    "I heard you."
    Really means...
    "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

    "You know I could never love anyone else."
    Really means...
    "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

    "You look terrific."
    Really means...
    "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

    "I brought you a present."
    Really means...
    "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

    "I missed you."
    Really means...
    "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
    paper."

    "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
    Really means...
    "No one will ever see us alive again."

    "We share the housework."
    Really means...
    "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

    "This relationship is getting too serious."
    Really means...
    "I like you more than my truck."

    "I recycle."
    Really means...
    "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

    "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
    Really means...
    "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

    "It sure snowed last night."
    Really means...
    "I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the walk now."

    "It's good beer."
    Really means...
    "It was on sale."

    "I don't need to read the instructions."
    Really means...
    "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

    "I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
    Really means...
    "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

    "I broke up with her."
    Really means...
    "She dumped me."

    "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
    Really means...
    "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

  2. #2
    NCAA Champ
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Oxnard California
    Posts
    1,129

    Default Re: Monday Humor

    1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

    3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

    5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

    10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

  3. #3
    NCAA Champ
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Oxnard California
    Posts
    1,129

    Default Re: Monday Humor

    Signs that you are a drunk would be...

    You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    Job interfering with your drinking.

    Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.

    The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

    24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

    Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
    You can focus better with one eye closed.

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

    Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

    Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

    At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

    You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.

    The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

  4. #4
    NCAA Champ
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Oxnard California
    Posts
    1,129

    Default Re: Monday Humor

    Surefire Ways To Know You're A Woman...

    When asked 'Is something bothering you?' reply 'no' then get pissed off when you are believed.

    Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior..

    Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

    Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say 'It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.' when you mean 'It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!'

    Whine

    If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.

    No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.
    If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

    If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

    Complain

    Hate any bar he likes

    Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.

    Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life.

    Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible.

    Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

    Break into tears for no apparent reason.

    Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.

    Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

  5. #5
    Olympic Champ RYou's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    8,376

    Default Re: Monday Humor

    For those that fly....... Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

    "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

    After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

    From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

    In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

    If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.

    Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

    "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

    Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

    "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

    "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

    "Last one off the plane must clean it."

    And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

    Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"

    Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally evryone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

  6. #6
    Olympic Champ RYou's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    8,376

    Default Re: Monday Humor

    A Last Night On The Town. After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel. The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And Whispers To Her Manager, 'go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In
    Each Bed.

    These Two Are So Old And Drunk; I'm Not Wasting Two Of My Girls On Them. They Won't Know The Difference.'

    The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go Upstairs And Take Care Of Their Business. As They Are Walking Home The First Man Says, 'you Know, I Think My Girl Was Dead!'

    'dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say That?

    Well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was Loving Her.'

    His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch.'

    Witch, Why The Hell Would You Say That?'

    Well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck And I Gave Her A Little Bite, Then She Farted And Flew Out The Window.'

  7. #7
    Olympic Champ RYou's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    8,376

    Default Re: Monday Humor


  8. #8
    Ancient Arachnid Spider's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Connecticut
    Posts
    5,424

    Default Re: Monday Humor

    An elderly Chinese gentleman marries a young, very inexperienced girl. On their wedding night he tells her, "I am very highly trained in all the ancient Oriental sexual techniques and I can provide you with any pleasure you desire. What would you like first?" She shyly answers, "How about sixty-nine?" to which he replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"
    Atrophy: what you get when you win atournament.

  9. #9
    Olympic Champ ISU2008's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Cedar Rapids
    Posts
    3,305

    Default Re: Monday Humor

    More airplane humor
    A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."
    You do the math..... I'll do the alfredo!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •