Very funny. I epecially liked the recommendation for raisins, which I hate.
Spider - as part of a family of California grape growers (albeit, table, not raisin) I have to respond.
Taken at face value your hatred of raisins would be taken as evidence of a distorted and corrupted value system. Then it came to me. You are naturally disadvantaged, living so far from heaven. You haven't had the opportunity to partake of the moist, tender, exquisitely sweet fruit of the vine. You think a raisin is that hard, shriveled, sere relative of a rabbit pellet sold in little red boxes. Those are but a memory of a raisin and do no justice to the grape.
Given that, through no fault of your own I am sure, you are forced to live outside the gates of Eden it may be difficult for you to experience raisins in their proper state. However, there is some hope for your redemption. Take a portion of raisins in a glass or small bowl. Pour enough brandy to cover and allow to sit for 15 minutes or so. The brandy should be absorbed and the raisins moist and plump. Add them to bread pudding or oat meal cookies (or oat meal, if you can stand it), or sublimely, to stuffing for a fowl. See if it doesn't change your attitude. In fact, if you use enough brandy you should be able to create a pretty significant change in attitude by just eating the raisins straight! (Try Ouzo with sultana raisins in stuffing a goose. Superb!)
The only way I will consume grape products is from a bottle with a cork or congealed in a sandwich with peanut butter.
It's O.K. Spider. I figure you are just a product of your invironment. I am sure it is a result of all those harse winters.
I think as a child I was attacked by a shar pei.