TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

[Spider]

I've posted this one before, but some might haved missed it.

An Irishman is walking through the woods when he finds a leprechaun caught in a trap. He frees the leprechaun and the leprechaun tells him that he will receive three wishes as a reward, but because the leprechaun is a sly one, the Irishman?s worst enemy, Finnegan, will receive double what he receives. The Irishman thinks for a minute and then asks for a 50 acre estate in the green hills of Ireland, where he can spend the rest of his days in comfort.
?Aye, and it?s done,? says the leprechaun, but your worst enemy, Finnegan, will be gettin? a 100 acre estate.?
?Next,? says the Irishman, ?I?d like 20 beautiful, young lasses to tend to my every desire, if ye know what I mean.?

?Done again,? replies the leprechaun, ?but know that your worst enemy, Finnegan, will be enjoyin? the company of 40 beauties. And your final wish??
?For me last wish,? answers the Irishman, ?could ya please remove one of me testicles.?

[Tight-Waist]

Murphy and the Nun

Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:

"Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?"

"Hang on, Sister," spluttered Murphy. "How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgement when you've never tasted the stuff?"

"Very well," said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!"

"OK," said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

"I'll have a large gin," he said to the barman. "And can you put it in a cup?"

"My God," said the barman, "that nun's not outside again is she?"

[FloggingSully]

A guy walks into a Pub in Ireland and orders 3 pints of Guiness, he takes a sip from the first one, then a sip from the second, then the third and repeats until he's drank all three. He pays his tab and leaves.

The guy comes back in a couple days later and orders another 3 pints and starts drinking them in the same way. The bartender, being curious, asks the man about his curious drinking pattern. "Well" says the guy "one of my brothers has moved off to the US and the other is down in Australia, but before they left we decided that whenever we were in a pub we'd have one pint for each of us so it would be like old times with us all drinking together", the bartender thought this was a great idea.

A few months pass and the guy comes into the pub but only orders 2 pints. "I'm really sorry for your loss" the bartender says as he's pouring the second pint. "What loss?" asks the man
"hasn't one of your brothers died?"
"No, I just spoke with each of them last sunday"
"then why are you only ordered 2 pints?"
"oh, that! well I've recently joined the mormon church so I can't drink anymore".

[Tight-Waist]

Aer Lingus Flight 101

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus," said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is."

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy.

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy." replied Shamus.

"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.

"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".

Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".

[kr1963]

Marketing failure of the week...except on San Paddie's Day...

[maroon-n-gold]

This is the only dentist to drill in my mouth. Somehow, I was looking forward to it...(and no I'm not joking.)

I'd rather fill her cavities than the other way around! OK - TERRIBLE - I know- but it really had to be said. I bet dental insurance enrollment rates are up in her area!