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Thread: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

  1. #118
    Ancient Arachnid Spider's Avatar
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    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by matclone View Post
    Spider is always ready with some incisorous comment.
    I think you meant "incisive," but I don't want to jump down your throat.
    Atrophy: what you get when you win atournament.

  2. #119
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    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

    I'm choking with laughter!

  3. #120
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    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

    Take slow, deep breaths - you know the drill.
    Atrophy: what you get when you win atournament.

  4. #121
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    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

    [high-pitched whirr] The drill? Oh, no, please. Not the drill! (what dental patients think but never say out loud--not that they could say anything anyway)

  5. #122

    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

    This is the only dentist to drill in my mouth. Somehow, I was looking forward to it...(and no I'm not joking.)


  6. #123

    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by matclone View Post
    I don't know if dogs have a persective on size at a distance. In any case it was clearly an adult bear. Also what amazes me is that none of us said anything to the dog. I figure he must have somehow sensed our nervousness or otherwise recognized that there was a threat afield--his move was definitely aggressive.
    I once saw the tiny lap dog of a fellow tree planter chase a black bear. Granted, the bear was already running, but it was still kind of awesomme to see.

    I think bears are scared off easily by strange noises (ie barking dogs). I've run into a few on my tree planting days, and they were never aggressive, though they sometimes needed some encouragement to take off.

  7. #124
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    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

    TW, Awesome jokes, gotta love Kerryman jokes.

  8. #125

    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by oc View Post
    TW, Awesome jokes, gotta love Kerryman jokes.
    People only make Kerryman jokes because they're jealous they don't get to live there (that and they're bitter about getting their butts kicked in football).
    There's no such thing as a pretty good aligator wrestler.

  9. #126

    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

    Yes boys and girls its that time of year when we all claim a bit o the Irish and thus poke fun at our selves and those we love. And to resurrect this fine tradition I am offering a few new tales of Irish lore!

    Paddy Died in a Fire

    Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

    Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

    So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

    The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

    Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

    The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

    The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

    Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

    "What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

    "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

    Declaring War on the French

    The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

    'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

    'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

    'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

    Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

    'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

    Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

    'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

    Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

    'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

    Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

    Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

    'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

    Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

    'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

    'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

    Texan visits Galway

    A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

    The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

    Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy.

    The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

    Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

    Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

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