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Thread: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

  1. #91

    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by rustyshackleford View Post
    Not me. I have nothing else to say. Much like on themat, you are incapable of an actual civil conversation. Its like beating your head against the wall trying to converse with you and simply not worth the effort. There are plenty of pleasant people to deal with instead of with an, angry crotchety old man, like yourself. And BTW, using all caps doesn't make you're point stronger, especially when they are used seemingly random words from time to time.
    While I maybe old, relatively speaking, I am NOT crotchety! I have been civil with everyone on here, even ban, who has called me and most others posting here a bigot and has even obliquely threatened me.

    Now I did accuse you and Wilitz of naivete which I dont really consider to be uncivil conversation especially inlight of what I was responding to.

    My word this is insane! I start a thread about Irish jokes and one person takes offense and suddenly half this thread's panties are in a bind.

  2. #92

    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

    Here... this is for the rest of you "bigots"... just dont let anyone see you laugh!

    He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

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    Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

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    The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

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    An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question? "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

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    Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

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    Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

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    Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

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    Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A. A bachelor.

    --------- ------------------------------------

    Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.

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    Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

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    "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

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    A Kerryman went to London and found himself in the Underground late one night. Seeing a notice "DOGS MUST BE CARRIED ON THE ESCALATOR", he moaned to himself, "And where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?"

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    What do you call a Kerryman on a bicycle?

    A dope peddler.

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    A Kerryman was suffering from pains in his knees, so he visited the doctor.

    "You're suffering from a disease that we medical experts call "kneeitis", said the doctor. "Take it easy for a month or so and above all don't climb any stairs. That puts a terrible strain on the knees."

    A month later the Kerryman returned and after a brief examination was found to have recovered completely.

    "Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?"

    "Certainly," replied the Doctor.

    "Thank Heavens," said the Kerryman, "I was getting a bit browned off climbing up the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet."

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    How do you recognize a Kerry pirate?

    He's got a patch over each eye.

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    Two Kerryman went on a holiday to France and stayed at a country farmhouse. They were disgusted to find that everybody in France, even the kids, spoke French.

    One morning they were awoken by a cock crowing.

    "Do you know," said one Kerryman to the other, "That's the first word of English we've heard spoken since we arrived!"

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    A Kerryman rang Aer Lingus and asked how long it took to fly from Dublin to London.
    "Just a minute sir," said the girl on the desk.
    "Thank you," said the Kerryman and hung up.

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    A fellow walked into a bar in Dublin and asked the barman if he had heard the latest Kerryman joke,
    "I'm warning you," said the barman, "I'm a Kerryman myself."
    "That's allright," said the fellow, "I'll tell it slowly."

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    A man hired a Kerryman as an assistant to take phone calls. One day the phone rang and when the Kerryman answered he hung up immediately.

    "Who was that?" asked his boss.

    "Some fool saying it was a long distance from New York. I told him everybody knew that."

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    How do you recognise a Kerryman on an oil rig?
    He's the one throwing crusts of bread to the helicopters...

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    A Kerryman attended a concert where a ventriloquist who fancied himself as a comedian told about twenty Kerryman jokes in a row.

    "Look," shouted the Kerryman, standing up in the audience, "I'm fed up being insulted by all these jokes. We're not as stupid as you make out."

    "Please sit down sir & be calm," said the ventriloquist, "after all it's only a joke, and don't tell me that Kerrymen haven't got a sense of humor."

    "I'm not talking to you," said the Kerryman, "I'm talking to the little fellow on your knee..."

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    It was only to be expected that Kerrymen wouldn't take all of our jokes lying down. Scarcely had the echoes of the last Kerryman joke died away when the counter-attack began. Nobody was spared and the Kerryman as usual had the last laugh...

    What do you call an intelligent Mayoman?

    Lucky

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    What is red and white and floats upside down on the River Liffey?

    A Dubliner caught telling Kerrymen jokes.

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    Why do Tipperarymen always carry a little rubbish in their pockets?

    Identification

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    What's the difference between a Clareman and a bucket of fertiliser?

    The bucket.

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    A Donegalman rushed into a barber's shop with a pig under his arm.

    "Where did you get that?" asked the barber.

    "I won him in a raffle," said the pig.

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    How do you save a Limerickman from drowning?

    You don't know? Good.

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    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

    The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

    Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

    The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

    The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

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    Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them....they decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

    So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

    So he took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play."

    When they got outside, dripping wet, the oldest one asked, "What religion do you think we are? We're not Katlick, because they pour the water." " We're not Babdist because they dunk all of you." "We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Can't you tell by the smell of that baptismal water what we are?.......Why, we're Pisscopalians."

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    My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

    "I got in a tiff with Riley."

    "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

    "He must have had something in his hand."

    "That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

    "Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

    "Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left breast." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

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    Jimmy-Joe finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"

    Jimmy-Joe scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. Jimmy-Joe was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes.

    He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"



    Two young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment were going into the trenches for the first time, and their captain promised them fifty pence for every German they killed. Two young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment were going into the trenches for the first time, and their captain promised them fifty pence for every German they killed.

    Pat lay down to rest, and Mick performed the duty of watching. Pat had not lain long when he was awakened by Mick shouting,

    "They're comin'". "Who's comin'?" shouts Pat.
    "The Germans," replies Mick.
    "How many are there?"
    "About fifty thousand."
    "Begorrah," shouts Pat, jumping up & grabbing his rifle, "our fortune's made."

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    "Tell me, Patrick, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?" asked the parish priest.

    "Well you see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle."

    "But you were with Mick Mulligan, Sean O'Toole, and Peter Ryan and they don't drink."

    "Dat's what I mean, Father..."

  3. #93
    Ancient Arachnid Spider's Avatar
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    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by ban basketball View Post
    Could you imagine what an outside observer to this forum would notice from this forum in trying to determine where the problem lies?

    For months, this forum went off without a hitch. We were all friends and greatly respected one another (or, at least I do). Then, St. Patrick's Day hits, two people come out of the woodwork, one having months of no posts, and all hell breaks loose. As if there aren't better things to do than incite people?

    Hmmm...I wonder what different variables were added to this picture to make this happen?
    I agree, but I think you really overreacted to the topic of Irish jokes. If you read them, many of these jokes feature the humor, sarcasm, and irony in which many Irish take pride. Unfortunately, some people believe that ethnic jokes are always inappropriate. Others, such as myself, appreciate good natured humor. I don't believe anyone who has posted on this thread intended to insult or offend anyone, and I applaud the wisdom and fairness of our moderators, who considered all sides of this issue and made what I believe to be the right decision. Some of the exchanges I've read on this thread are much more offensive and mean spirited than any of the jokes. Lighten up, guys!!!
    Atrophy: what you get when you win atournament.

  4. #94

    Default Re: Happy St. Patrick's Day-Let's Spread The Fun Around By Exploring Other Ethnic/Racist Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Tight-Waist View Post
    Ahhh another member of ban's PC Brigade. How did it feel to get overruled?

    Maybe next time you use a lil common sense next time before you go off half cocked!
    Tight Waist.. Smarting off to a volunteer admin certainly isn't very brilliant.

    Ban.. I would assume it's more likely that the influx of people coming in would be because NCAAs is this week... not because its a scheme to really insult you.

  5. #95

    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Wiltz View Post
    People for Eating Tasty Animals would be crying over a Chicken?
    lol....that is good.

  6. #96

    Default Re: Happy St. Patrick's Day-Let's Spread The Fun Around By Exploring Other Ethnic/Racist Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Schlottke View Post
    Tight Waist.. Smarting off to a volunteer admin certainly isn't very brilliant.

    Ban.. I would assume it's more likely that the influx of people coming in would be because NCAAs is this week... not because its a scheme to really insult you.
    Really? Why aren't they posting about wrestling or in the college forum, then?

    Come on. I'm not the sharpest blade in the drawer, but I can promise you that their intent is ill. See the link that I posted from the other forum where they were literally planning to come over here to do what they did.
    Last edited by ban basketball; 03-17-2009 at 08:54 PM.
    UNI Panthers...Because it's just right.

  7. #97

    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Spider View Post
    I agree, but I think you really overreacted to the topic of Irish jokes.
    So you also believe that it is your job to tell someone what should and shouldn't offend them? Seriously? If it doesn't offend you, then it is an "overreaction?"

    That's a bit arrogant, in my PC opinion.
    UNI Panthers...Because it's just right.

  8. #98

    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread

    In reference to their plan to come over here and deliberately antagonize me, read page 2.

    After all, I'm nuts, folks.

    http://openmat.invisionplus.net/?mfo...=openmat&st=15
    UNI Panthers...Because it's just right.

  9. #99

    Default Re: TightWaist's 2009 Politically Incorrect Irish Joke Thread



    My apologies to whoever posted this on another thread earlier and gave me the idea, but I think it fits on this thread as well

    And I second the fact that it's rediculous that Wiltz is catching flak from anyone.
    Last edited by arm-spin; 03-17-2009 at 10:00 PM.

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