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Thread: "Almost free" coffee table and 2 end tables.. (a Craig's List, listing)

  1. #1

    Default "Almost free" coffee table and 2 end tables.. (a Craig's List, listing)

    http://houston.craigslist.org/fuo/860830315.html

    Almost free coffee table and two end tables to needy family or broke college student.

    Only a few stipulations.
    1. You must provide transportation for the excellent furniture.
    2. You must take all three tables. They are a family and would miss each other if separated.
    2. You may not sell the items (for more than $0.01) once you have finished using them. You have to give them away free to a needy family or broke college student.
    3. You must take the dust with you. I do not want the dust.
    4. You must be human. I will not allow any raccoons or birds etc. to take the furniture.
    5. You must use the items as furniture and occasionally they can be used for intimate activities. Just don't tell me about your endeavors.
    6. You must either pay the $0.01 or challenge me to a contest. If you lose the 2 out of 3 match you can still buy the furniture but your name will be sullied. You are free to choose the competition as long as death or maiming is not involved (e.g. ping pong (I have a table), rochambeau (rock, paper, scissors), pool (I live near a bar with a table) running, skipping, 4 square, math, what ever you want, etc.). Further if I lose the 2 out of 3 then we will increase the games to best 3 out of 5 and so on until I win or get tired and concede defeat. In any case my name is immune to sullying since I will never admit to an outside party that I lost.
    7. If you decide to compete, you must be competitive and not take the challenge lightly. I will be trying my hardest to win and I expect the same from you. If I feel you are not taking the challenge seriously then I reserve the right to retain my furniture.
    8. You must be taller than one foot (seriously, no squirrels).
    9. It is strongly encouraged not to mention that there are two number twos in this enumerated list.

    Because the furniture is so excellent I am keeping the items in my garage until you are able to transport the tables. I am typically available any day after 6pm.

    Dimensions:
    Side tables (2):
    Height - 21" (1'9")
    Width - 21" (1'9")
    Depth - 23" (1'11")

    Coffee table (1):
    Height - 16" (1'4")
    Width - 49" (4'1")
    Depth - 23" (1'11")

    Please call me (Colin 352-514-4***) or email me if you want the furniture. Don't call between the hours of 11 pm and 8 am as I am either sleeping or working at Chippendales (yes as a stripper). I would like to hear your challenge when you contact me but it can wait until you come to pick up the tables.



    Edit:
    I have received a few quandaries regarding the free tables. Perhaps the following question answers will clear up some confusion.

    Q: If I show up at the same time that another challenger does, will the challenge be upgraded to tournament style?
    A: If two challengers arrive at the same time then they must agree upon a challenge that they both can be competitive in. Which ever gladiator is crushed less will be given one win token. If a game is not agreed upon then both competitors will independently choose a challenge and will try to dethrone me again winning a token. The challengers must also compete against each other in a game I choose. The first to reach 3 tokens wins. If either competitor feels they have not been treated fairly or competition is too close to call then I will spin the wheel of rivalry. The competitor that scores the most points against me will receive the furniture. If both competitors are attractive women then the challenge will be a wet t-shirt competition.

    Q: What does midtown mean?
    A: Midtown is the area of Houston I reside.

    Q: Is thumb wrestling considered a viable challenge??
    A: yes, although we may need to increase the challenge by playing blindfolded while standing on one leg and have dodgeballs thrown at us all the while clasped in a death lock that can only be subdued once one thumb is immobilized.
    Q: would you be able to meet me in say sugarland on sunday?
    A: Why would I meet you in Sugar Land on Sunday? Please notice item 1 explicitly states you must provide transportation for the excellent furniture. If you desire to meet for depraved incorrigible reasons then please provide a photo so I can make an informed decision.

    Q: Can I challenge you without taking the tables?
    A: Yes, I accept all challenges as long as it fits in my busy schedule.

    Q: If you are truly as busy as you would like your craiglist readers to believe, than how is it you had so much time to dedicate to making that page?
    A: For those of us that are skilled in the English language, typing, and technology, compiling a simple ad takes at most 5 minutes. Craigslist readers may suspect I took 5 minutes out of my day to post the ad and suspect I am falsifying my time constraints. Actually the short story of what happened was a meeting I was to attend was unexpectedly canceled so I used the extra time to post the ad. I'm still pissed the meeting was canceled.

    Q: Damn it, my squirrels were interested in challenging you for the tables, but since you discriminate...they will be filing a law suit instead. Yes, I said squirrels. What is your problem with squirrels? They aren't the ones running over your family members and leaving their bodies for dead on the side of the road because they cannot take the time to brake. Must have a lot of time on your hands to write up that ad, but who am I to call you out... I am responding to it. Have fun with the challenges and thanks for making me laugh.
    A: It is not merely squirrels that I would refuse to give the tables to. I have included all wild life in my furniture giving ban because I feel wild life as a whole would not put the tables to good use. If I thought so then I would personally deliver the tables to the woods for the wild life to use. I think humans stand a better chance at enjoying the furniture. May I refer you to stipulation 4 which clearly states the recipient must be human. I don't think your squirrels will stand much of a chance against my air tight rules I have stated.
    I do accept all challenges and if your squirrels are still game, in some parts of the country they are, then I am up for a squirrel challenge. For the record I have only hit one squirrel in my life and I braked and swerved to miss the rodent. I think the squirrel wanted to commit suicide due to a poor family life.
    Why is it when I write a simple ad describing some free furniture I do not want people accuse me of having too much time on my hands? Since when is having too much time on my hands a bad thing? I suppose I should follow the rest of the worlds example and plop down to watch TV and soak up all the advertisements and go spend my money to keep the economy going. Well that's what I usually do but my cable was not working last night.



    • Location: Midtown
    • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

  2. #2

    Default Re: "Almost free" coffee table and 2 end tables.. (a Craig's List, listing)

    Haha, that is sweet. Craigslist is a great place for entertainment.
    I will smash your face into a car windshield and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out to a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!

    Tell me about it, this morning, I woke up and I shit a squirrel, but what I can't get is the damn thing is still alive. So now, I've got a shit covered squirrel running around my office and I don't know what to name it.

  3. #3

    Default Re: "Almost free" coffee table and 2 end tables.. (a Craig's List, listing)

    Quote Originally Posted by Schlottke View Post
    http://houston.craigslist.org/fuo/860830315.html

    ...6. You must either pay the $0.01 or challenge me to a contest. If you lose the 2 out of 3 match you can still buy the furniture but your name will be sullied. You are free to choose the competition as long as death or maiming is not involved ...
    What if my name is already Sully?
    There's no such thing as a pretty good aligator wrestler.

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