A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving t hem around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...
FIRST PAY CHECK
>
>
>
> Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
> little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you
> believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of
> our time.
>
> A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
> construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
>
> The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
> all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
> observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them
> gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project
> mascot.
>
> They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
> lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
> her feel important.
>
> At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
> envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this
> home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration
> and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to
> the bank the next day to start a savings account.
>
> When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked
> the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a
> young age.
> The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
> building the house next door to us."
>
> "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
> the house again this week, too?"
>
> The little girl replied, "I will if those a**holes at Home Depot ever
> deliver the f**king sheet rock....."
>
A man is laying on his deathbed. He says to his wife, "When I die, I want you to marry the neighbor." The wife replies, "But you've hated him your whole life!" The man answers, "Still do."
__________________
[Wrestling] did nothing for comedy except for when I slammed people and thought it was funny. -Gerald Harris
A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would you remarry?" He answers, "Yes, after awhile I probably would."
The wife then asks, "Would you live in this house with her?" to which the husband replies, "Well it wouldn't make sense to sell the house just to get a different one."
The wife, getting a little irritated, goes on, "Would you let her drive my car?" The husband responds, "Like the house, it wouldn't make sense to just get rid of it."
Finally the angry wife asks, "Would you even let her use my golf clubs?" to which the husband answers, "Oh, no, she's a lefty."
A boy goes over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."
__________________
I will smash your face into a car windshield and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out to a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!
Tell me about it, this morning, I woke up and I shit a squirrel, but what I can't get is the damn thing is still alive. So now, I've got a shit covered squirrel running around my office and I don't know what to name it.
A young man married a beautiful woman who
had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told
her new husband to "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can
that be if you've been married ten
times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales
Representative; he kept telling me how great it
was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he
was never really sure how it was
suppose to function; but he said he'd look
into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he
said that everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the
system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even
though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to
deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he
understood the basic process but he wanted
three years to research, implement, and
design a new state of the-art
method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he
thought he knew how but he wasn't
sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he
had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did
was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did
was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he
ever did was...........
God I miss him.
"But now that I've married you, I'm so
excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
SCREWED."
Friday Humor 
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