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Thread: Spider, Help Me!!

  1. #1

    Default Spider, Help Me!!

    $5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

    I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
    that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot,
    I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid
    with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.

    He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

    I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
    hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

    I stood there stupefied. I am 62, a mere child! Senior
    citizen?

    I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
    Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

    I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
    to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

    Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
    me, like I could be that easily distracted!

    What am I now?

    A toddler?

    "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

    I stared with utter disdain at the keys.

    I began to rationalize in my mind.

    "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!

    It could happen to anyone!"

    I turned and headed back to the truck.

    I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.

    What now?

    I checked my keys and tried another.

    Still nothing.

    That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

    I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

    Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.
    Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

    Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

    Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally
    be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep
    in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned,
    and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

    I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the
    restaurant one final time.

    There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think
    was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my
    food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to
    help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social
    Security benefits.

    Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad
    came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a
    drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck
    by mistake."

    I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

    He offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
    all the time."

    All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was
    racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm
    not too old to be driving this fast.

    As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
    I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly
    sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

    The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

    -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- READ BELOW !

    Just in case you weren't feeling too old today.

    The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.

    They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

    Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

    The CD was introduced two years before they were born.

    They have always had an answering machine.

    They have always had cable.

    Popcorn has always been microwaved.

    They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

    They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

    They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ', or=
    'de plane Boss, de plane'.

    McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

    They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

    R.I.P. Cyrano and Roxanne.

  2. #2
    Olympic Champ RYou's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    8,376

    Default Re: Spider, Help Me!!

    I'm sure MR has been there, done that.

    What until the rest of you receive that groundbreaking letter in the mail......

    "Congratulations Mr........, you are now eligible to join AARP......."

    The best shredder in the world can't rend that letter as efficiently as the human hands.
    Life's not the breaths you take, the breathing in and out that gets you through the day ain't what it's all about. It's the moments that take your breath away.

  3. #3
    World Champ ODH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    3,962

    Default Re: Spider, Help Me!!

    This list is pretty far off, many of these things are from the 1980's or 1970's. Someone born in 1991 whose earliest memories are going to be from the late 90's would obviously never heard of these examples.
    I was born in 1968 and never heard 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel .

    Just in case you weren't feeling too old today.

    The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.

    They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

    Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

    The CD was introduced two years before they were born.

    They have always had an answering machine.

    They have always had cable.

    Popcorn has always been microwaved.

    They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

    They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

    They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ', or=
    'de plane Boss, de plane'.

    McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

    They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

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