An able-bodied but ineffective Kyle Maynard impressed critics but not judges Saturday when he met Bryan Fry in an Auburn Fight Night mixed martial arts competition held in Auburn, Ala.

Maynard, who fights at 135 pounds and was carried into the ring on piggyback, slipped punches with ease but was unable to close the distance and spent the majority of the nine-minute bout running sprints at Fry?s legs. Fry earned 30-27 scores for the decision, but appeared unwilling or unable to mount any sustained offense against Maynard, landing less than a half-dozen strikes to his head and torso during the fight.

Prior to the opening bell, it was announced that Maynard couldn?t secure his gloves, possibly due to arena humidity, and was therefore not allowed to strike.

It?s worth noting that Maynard, by virtue of his missing limbs, is likely substantially stronger than slimmer peers in the 135-pound class, and that his upper arms are calloused blunt-force instruments that appear to pack some power in training footage. It?s also worth noting that Maynard makes me feel like an inadequate, lazy slob.

The extent of Maynard?s exile -- to Alabama, a state with no athletic commission to veto his goal -- was on ready display during the morbid $14.95 Internet broadcast, which resembled a snuff film thanks to the grainy stationary camera pointed at a square cage. The action was halted early on for an opponent to retrieve a missing tooth; ?Big Willie?s Hot Dogs? was thanked during commentary; the commentators grew increasingly inebriated as the night wore on. Carnegie Hall it wasn?t.

I would hope and expect Maynard has had his fill of MMA: not getting seriously hurt seems to be a point well proven. No one climbs Everest twice.

Well, some people do, but those people are insane.

Achievement recorded, Kyle. Now don?t go giving your mother another anxiety attack.