This was originally posted on my Myspace blog:
This message is for anyone that either knows what I'm talking about or serves as a warning to all who have yet to experience this.
Everynow and then, I get neutered and I am forced to watch a stupid cake design show to keep my cake making honey happy, so she'll still be willing to sex me up every now and then.
Anyways, I actually got a chance to watch a guy lose his balls on live television. In this stupid show, people soon to be married get to have some fancy cake maker design some outlandish cake for their wedding. They give them some ideas and they are put on a time limit with one helper.
Once complete, the engaged couple come around and critique the cakes. Anyways, these other chodes put together some alright cakes but this one designer put together two of the baddest m**** f-ing cakes ever. He put together a bride and groom cake that would've blown your mind. They were so bad ass, the guys cake might as well have been some hottie with a pair DD's and down for whatever your sick little mind wants and the girls cake might as well have been a million dollar shopping spree to Sach's 5th Avenue(or whatever skeezy place you ladies go to to pick out your waredrobe). Tasting the cakes would've made you have an instant never-ending orgasm, with or without the cuddling afterwards(depending if you ate the male or female cake). They would've been so awesome that you would've felt like you just have 20 jello shots of Quervo and NOT wake up with a hangover. That's how frickin out of this world these cakes would've been.
Anyways, this groom is just going off on the cakes like I am about how bad ass they are and when he hands the mic over to the bride(I wouldn't have given her a shot to say anything as we would've been having sex right on the cake at that moment because I'd want to know what it felt like to have sex on God's cake), she says all these nice things about them both, but doesn't like the "monogram" on it. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the hell is a monogram and who gives a shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She just passed on Heaven's cake and the shot at immortality for a stupid monogram!! I hope monogram somehow means she will shut the hell up forever after making that comment.
Anyways, at that very moment, I could actually see the grooms balls being chopped off on live television, thrown into a meat grinder, ground up and fed to homeless street animals with no testicles themselves and watched his entire life crumble before my very eyes as he changed his mind and AGREED with her. They choose some shitty suitcase looking cake and the maker gets like $10,000.
The groom gets frickin homered by his soon to be wife on live television, has his balled taken from him and realizes what a stupid mistake he has just made, but its too late. His life as he once knew it is now over. His last memory of single life will be watching the baddest cake ever taken from him and he will have to taste some rotten ass knock off from Wal-Mart instead for the rest of his life(You can't get that crappy Wal Mart cake taste out of your mouth ever. Its like the first ATM you've ever gotten, no matter how long you brush you still taste ass).
So this serves as a lesson learned to all guys out there who are married or eventually want to get married:
If your wife or future bride ever talks shit about a cake you think is the shit, pimp slap the hell out of her right then and there and let her know who's boss because if you don't, you too could lose your manhood and forever live in shame.
BTW, I found out where the wedding was and I'm going to buy plane tickets, show up with that bad ass cake, and right when the bride and groom are feeding each other a piece of that shitty knock off cake, I'll bust in between them and take a big ass handful of the cake and shove it down her throat. She'll be mad at first, but after the first several moments of her cake orgasm(yes there's such thing as a cake orgasm) she'll not only thank me, but want to do me right then and there(of course I'd have to pass because I love my woman).
Moral of the story, don't you ever dare let a woman have her cake and eat it too.