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Thread: The 2008 Darwin Awards

  1. #1
    Ancient Arachnid Spider's Avatar
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    Default The 2008 Darwin Awards

    The 2008 Darwin Awards

    Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

    Here is the glorious winner:

    1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

    . . . and the honorable mentions:

    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine, and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

    3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from being hit by an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
    Atrophy: what you get when you win atournament.

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    NCAA Champ WhippetGrappler's Avatar
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    Default Re: The 2008 Darwin Awards

    Never under estimate the stupidity of criminals.
    BRUTUS BUCKEYE WILL TAKE YOU DOWN...

  3. #3

    Default Re: The 2008 Darwin Awards

    How do they choose from among so many worthy candidates? I guess the winner was awarded posthumously because the others still have a chance to compete next year?
    "Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!?

  4. #4

    Default Re: The 2008 Darwin Awards

    If I remember the Darwin awards correctly, a "true" Darwin award winner has to either kill themselves or sterilize themselves, removing themselves from the gene pool. Those who are stupid but do not die can only be awarded "honourable mention".

    The winner reminds me of one of my all-time favorite DA winners, who kept his gun and his phone on his nightstand. When he phone rang during the night, he reached for it, picked up his gun instead and shot himself in the head.

  5. #5
    Olympic Champ RYou's Avatar
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    Default Re: The 2008 Darwin Awards

    One of my favorities

    Fourth Place
    After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
    Life's not the breaths you take, the breathing in and out that gets you through the day ain't what it's all about. It's the moments that take your breath away.

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    World Champ ODH's Avatar
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    Default Re: The 2008 Darwin Awards

    The same list is debunked at Snopes as the 2005 Darwin Awards:
    http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/darwin05.asp

    According to them only #5 is verifiable as true.

  7. #7
    Ancient Arachnid Spider's Avatar
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    Default Re: The 2008 Darwin Awards

    Quote Originally Posted by ODH View Post
    The same list is debunked at Snopes as the 2005 Darwin Awards:
    http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/darwin05.asp

    According to them only #5 is verifiable as true.
    Maybe they're not all real, but sometimes a fantasy world is more fun.
    Atrophy: what you get when you win atournament.

  8. #8
    Olympic Champ RYou's Avatar
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    Default Re: The 2008 Darwin Awards

    Okay here we go. The 2008 Darwin Awards. The noiminees are there. I think they pick after the close of the year since anything can happen over the holiday season.

    http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/

    The Balloon Priest
    2008 Darwin Award Nominee
    Confirmed True by Darwin



    (20 April 2008, Atlantic Ocean, Brazil) In 1982 Lawn Chair Larry, beloved survivor of a Darwin-worthy attempt, attached 45 helium weather balloons to his comfortable Sears lawn chair, packed a picnic and a , and cut the tether. But instead of drifting lazily above the Los Angeles landscape, the combined lift of 45 huge helium balloons rocketed Larry into LAX air traffic lanes 16,000 feet above sea level. Astoundingly, he survived the "flight."
    In homage to Larry's aerial adventure, a Catholic priest recently ascended towards heaven on a host of helium party balloons. Adelir Antonio de Carli, 41, was attempting to set the world record for clustered balloon flight to publicize his plan to build a spiritual rest stop for truckers.

    Sitting for more than 19 hours in a lawn chair is not a trivial matter, even in the comfort of your own backyard. The priest took numerous safety precautions, including wearing a survival suit, selecting a buoyant chair, and packing a satellite phone and a GPS. However, the late Adelir Antonio made a fatal mistake.

    He did not know how to use the GPS.

    The winds changed, as winds do, and he was blown inexorably toward open sea. He could have parachuted to safety while over land, but chose not to. When the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he prudently phoned for help. But rescuers were unable to reach him since he could not use his GPS! HE struggled with the control panel as the charge on the satellite phone dwindled.

    Instead of a GPS, the priest let God be his guide, and God guided him straight to heaven. Bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and beaches. Ultimately the priest's body surfaced, confirming that he, like Elvis, had left the building.

    The kicker? It's a Double Darwin. Catholic priests take vows of celibacy. Since they voluntarily remove themselves from the gene pool, the entire group earns a mass Darwin Award. Adelir Antonio wins twice over!
    Life's not the breaths you take, the breathing in and out that gets you through the day ain't what it's all about. It's the moments that take your breath away.

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