Friday, March 21, 2008
Dream match: Tom Brands vs. Chuck Norris
There is a lot to like about Iowa's wrestling coach, who is the ultimate epitome of a hard-nosed, tough-guy, butt-kicker in the Hawkeye state.
So, how about some Tom Brands facts:
(All apologies to the inspiration for this column, ChuckNorrisFacts.com.)
Tom Brands is the only man capable of successfully performing a quadruple leg takedown.
Tom Brands' riding time is always 7 minutes.
Tom Brands can pin a man with his glare.
Tom Brands is no longer allowed to help coach the rowing team. It was only one practice, but it took a lot of cash to fly all those rowers home from the Gulf of Mexico.
Tom Brands was responsible for turning Full Nelson into Half Nelson.
Tom Brands was once five pounds overweight, so he cut off both his feet, wrestled all day on nubs, won six matches and re-attached them that night with barbed wire. (This is where the first barbed wire tattoo idea came from).
Tom Brands is always being forced to take a blood time out, it's just never his own.
Tom Brands saves his opponents time by letting them know before the match how many lights there are on the ceiling.
Tom Brands tried ultimate fighting once. His opponents kept running away, and that's why they now fight in a cage.
Tom Brands eats cement and craps bricks. His bowel movements provided the masonry for the Kinnick Stadium renovations.
Fear of Tom Brands, not Title IX, is the reason why college programs drop wrestling.
Tom Brands was called for stalling once. He no longer eats a 96-ounce raw steak between periods.
Tom Brands is the only man capable of winning by technical fall before stepping into the arena.
Tom Brands has three modes: intense, ultra-intense and unknown. The third level is unknown because no one has witnessed it and lived.
Tom Brands has a wrestling mat he uses on special occasions. It is made from the skins of animals he has hunted, brought down with his bare hands and skinned with his big toe.
Forget ears, Tom Brands once turned an entire wrestler from Edinboro into a cauliflower. He then dipped him in ranch dressing and ate him.
Don't ever let Tom Brands put you in the cradle. You will mentally revert to a baby, crawl off the mat and poop yourself.
Tom Brands once wrestled heavyweight for a month. Turns out big men do cry.
The legal system is considering sending convicts to Tom Brands. Prisoners may escape Alcatraz, but they don't escape Tom Brands.
Tom Brands may indeed bleed black and gold, but no one has ever seen him bleed.
It's not true that Tom Brands trains by wrestling grizzly bears and silverback gorillas. At least not anymore. Tom Brands got tired of headlocking PETA protesters.
Tom Brands could solve global warming if he wanted to, he's just too focused on wrestling to care.
Tom Brands owed New York a big apology after his brother bet him he couldn't do a double leg takedown on the Statue of Liberty.
Reach Ryan Suchomel at 339-7368 or firstname.lastname@example.org.